Disclosure
I have not disclosed to many people. I’ve told my parents, sister, grandparents, my best friend and of course my co-workers who were around my desk when I received my diagnosis. Writing this blog has allowed me to work through some of my issues and become more accepting and understanding of my status. As a result of this, I believe I am to the point of wanting to share my story.
An opportunity presented itself at Bible study not long ago. However, I couldn’t bring myself to share. But I recently had another opportunity. My office hired a new employee. I’ve gotten along with her very well and have had some great conversations, getting to know her more and more. Then one afternoon when we were by ourselves in the office, an opportunity came up in our conversation for me to disclose my status as HIV+.
As I was telling her, I could feel the blood rushing through me…I felt hot. I knew I must have been blushing. I was embarrassed…I felt so vulnerable. She looked at me and said her Uncle had died of AIDS. She went on to tell me that she was the primary caregiver to him toward the end of his life and one of the only people who would hug him. She then came around my desk and HUGGED me. I felt accepted and calm. And to be perfectly honest, relieved that she had not ran out of the room!
What great relief it was to disclose to someone so caring and understanding! I know all of my disclosures will not go this well, but it was simply heartwarming to know that people do understand and not everyone is afraid of you.
UNDEFEATED
One year ago I thought that HIV had defeated me … I desperately wanted a baby of my own and decided to go ahead with insemination by an anonymous donor. It was my second attempt with the IUI…and instead of a positive pregnancy I was hit with a positive HIV result. Even before I realized what consequences this would have on my life , the first shattering thought I had was that my dream of becoming a mother had come to an end.
Thanks to several helpful resources and the undying encouragement of AGLM sisters…bit by bit I mustered the courage to dream again.
The last one year I have attempted and succeeded in living the most healthiest phase of my life. I went in for my 3rd IUI…this time with no fear, only one mantra constantly playing in my head – ‘The worst is over and the best is yet to come’
I got pregnant last month… Today I feel..I finally defeated HIV.
I know its not over…the journey has just begun, I am nervous and scared, not for myself but my baby who already means the world to me…But my joy has completely overshadowed all the fear and I am happier than I have ever been.
Next month I will begin my medicines. Praying that everything goes well and looking forward to any advice 
Last but not the least, I want to thank everyone who has offered encouragement and strength and wish each one of you the most wonderful year coming up. God bless you all!
Blessings
They say what does not kill you only makes you stronger. I thought about this phrase and realized that well since HIV has not killed me…I should start looking for strengths it has created within me. At first, I struggled a bit but once I got started, the list kept growing. I struggled because deep down I’m still bitter for having the virus, not just bitter, angry too. I know a lot of promiscuous people and somehow they have managed to stay HIV free, somehow they seem to have it all… but do they? Really? Going back to my list…
I have always known about God but never really knew him. The only time I spoke to him was when I was reciting a prayer I learned since I was three years old, the prayer I had no idea what it meant. HIV made God to be my best friend, it taught me to have meaningful conversations with him, it taught me to see myself as God sees me.
I learned to see death for what it really is, an end of a cycle and nothing to be feared. Before my diagnosis, I was terrified of death, I didn’t even want to think about it. All that changed 5 years after my diagnosis… I embraced death the same way I embrace life.
Speaking of life, HIV taught me how to live… ironic I know, the very thing that was meant to kill me taught me how to live and not just exist. The more I lived, the more I was happy and the more I was happy, the more I got healthier, the more I got healthier, the more I dreamed, the more I dreamt, the more I strived, and the more I strived, the more I achieved, and the more I achieved, the more I lived.
Most importantly I leaned how to love, to forgive, to be kind, to be patient, to be accepting. The list is so long but what I’m trying to say is dear Diva, look for the beautiful strength in you and celebrate it.
I want to thank you for you blogs, your e-mails, sms’s and crazy phone calls I have with some of you. I never feel very lonely because I have loving sisters all over the world, I’d like to mention you by names but ya’ll are too many.
Gifts
As the holidays begin to wind down, I reflect on all the gifts I have received. My gifts have not been merely material items, but also supportive family and amazing opportunities. Could I also consider HIV a gift? While certainly not a “gift” in the sense of something one desires, but rather in the sense that it has brought greater clarity and meaning to my life.
I consider the future MUCH more that I ever did prior to my diagnosis. This helps me make better choices. I think of my family first, because I now realize that I am fortunate and should not take them for granted. I think of the voice I have been given and the influence that I could have (if I allow myself).
As I reflect on my gifts, I realize that I also need to give more. I need to give more to the HIV community. For the last few years, I have been coping with shock, anger and finally acceptance. This year…I will give more.
Don’t live a life of unfulfilled dreams!!!!!!
As the world celebrated World AIDS day a few days ago, I was celebrating the accomplishment of a dream I have had for several years now. A few years ago I had an opportunity to work with young children and I loved the experience and at that point I knew that my passion was with these beautiful angels. I knew then that one day I would dedicate my life to making a difference in the lives of these young angels.
Later though with the discovery that I was HIV infected, my life turned into something else and my dream seemed to disappear with it. A few times I was given the opportunity to love these angels when I had my son, and later, when I met his friends. And I hoped that one day my dream would come back to me.
Some time in the middle of this year I made a decision that a few years ago might have been unheard of. Most of us believe outside situations shape our attitudes when, in fact, it is our view of the situations that shape our attitudes. I moved from the capital city Kampala to a smaller town. Fast forward, I didn’t know that God was directing my steps and he caused me to move and be at the right place at the right time. His favor has brought me opportunity and most of all I can be a blessing in the lives of little children because I have been able to start my own Kindergarten and Daycare. I start enrollment in a few days and the response is amazing.
In the end, I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter when you realize your dream. The most important thing for me is that when I realized it, I was given an opportunity of doing something that expresses my passion; I know I will excel and will gain satisfaction. I’ve also learned that starting something from nothing and watching it grow is deeply rewarding.
I have also realized that a genuine support system is essential in building anything. My Parents, siblings and friends have been very supportive financially and in various other ways.
I know many remember having a dream at some point in their life, but now you can’t remember what it really was? Don’t let HIV stop you from living your dream. Just allow it be a part of that dream.
Am living my dream now. Am glad I never stopped dreaming. Life is short, and you never know when it will come to an end. Do you really want to say that you lived a life of unfulfilled dreams?
Joy
Alternative treatments I did for first 10 years without HIV meds and what I’m doing now
Please see my video blog about what alternative treatments I did for the first 10 years without HIV medicine, and what I have been doing for the past 11 years–combining alternative treatment and HIV medicine:
Que medicina naturista y alternativa use durante mis primeros 10 anos de ser positiva sin medicina para el vih , y que he hecho durante estos 11 anos tomando medicina alternativa en combinacion con los arvs
In Spanish
Woonga
There is a new drug in town… this drug threatens the survival and safety of HIV+ women. I say women because the dealers and addicts will never pick on a man. The drug is woonga and its main ingredient that gives it a kick is effavirenz (HIV medication). Dealers and addicts will stop at nothing to get their hands on the pill… even infect themselves or their loved ones with HIV. Sick right? Not just sick but dangerous, I am a witness to that. My own brother is an addict and before I found out, I would run short of medication and blame the clinic until one day I caught him cleaning out my last dose while I was sleeping. And because I’m vocal about my status, I constantly have to make sure that I’m not being followed because the addicts would suspect that I have some precious cargo on me.
I had my brother arrested for theft and attempted murder, he was found guilty on charges of theft but not guilty for attempted murder. Is it because the state does not understand the seriousness of this problem? What happens when I get robbed of my meds on a Friday night? That means I have to wait for Monday morning to replace them which give the virus ample time to develop resistance, especially if the pattern is repeated.
It’s sad, the very people who wore red ribbons and pledged to support us just a week ago are turning their backs on us today. The HIV battle is far from over.
Remembering Ryan White and thoughts on Milton Hershey School
Today I am remembering one of my biggest inspirations and warriors! Ryan White! He is an angel and someone that has inspired me to fight for injustice! He just wanted to go to school and fought for it when he was discriminated for having HIV! It is incredible to me that we are 30 years into this illness and the MILTON HERSHEY SCHOOL is not letting a young boy go to school because of his condition!
This is not right and this is my opinion. As a person who talks to young people all the time, so many young people are having unprotected sex. And if they think that HIV is not going to affect them because they are not letting this kid go to their school, THEY ARE WRONG! I imagine they go out at some point..they can have unprotected sex and contract HIV!
I am so sad and in shock I don’t even know what to feel! I feel for this young man and I hope that things change! What are they going to do if some kid gets HIV while attending this school?? Will they throw him out like dirt??
I can’t sit back and not say something when injustice is happening right in front of me! I have to vent ..my soul feels sad and I am beyond angry! When will ignorance stop?? When?? Why are some human beings like this? Where is the compassion? Empathy!
As I tell everyone, HIV IS HERE! Every 9 1/2 mins someone gets infected with HIV in the UNITED STATES alone!
Again my heart goes out to this kid and the family! And as Ryan White’s mom always told him, “SON, KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!”
LOVE AND LIGHT!
…But today my heart is broken and I feel hurt.
Maria T Mejia
Bose’s Intro
My name is Bose Olotu Oladayo. I am from Nigeria, from one of the south/west states, Ekiti state, to be precise. I am a woman, born in August 1975 to a family of seven. I am married with three children. I live in Lagos, Nigeria. Some eleven years ago I tested positive to HIV virus.
Why Bose wants to be a part of A Girl Like Me: I would like to share my expirence on the blog because it will help me learn from others and many can also learn from my experience as a woman living with HIV. I can also find relief and encouragement from lots of other women on the blog.
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