Not Every Door is Locked
Should I blame him for walking out on me and trying to retain his negative status and refuse to be put at risk, or should I thank him for urging both of us to get tested?
It cannot be easy. For some time now I have been battling with acceptance of the fact that he is no longer in my life. This is the person who used to make me smile and kept the spark in my eye. When he decided to walk away, I thought my world had just crumbled down on me. I became suicidal and for a moment, stopped living.
Then I realized that there is so much more to life than that 1 person in your life. Yes, we all need love, we all need to be loved, BUT, love will always come at the right time. We should not go chasing after love as it will always find us. I am currently NOT in a relationship, but I have not given up on love. Joy, peace, prosperity and LOVE awaits me on the other side of the door. Whatever is meant to be mine will be, and it is required of me to have faith and remain focused. I have learnt to love myself through self acceptance and forgiveness. The journey to total happiness is not always smooth, but if you stay staring at the closed door, you might miss the other doors that are opening up for you. The person who is responsible for your happiness is YOU!
One thing that I am taking out of this experience is that although I started as “Barely Coping”, my name is about to change. Change is the only constant and a positive change is coming my way.
HUGS……..
Worthy
I am trapped, in a corner I am paralysed by fear.
I fear if I leave him my kids will grow up fatherless like me.
I fear if I leave I will never find another partner. Who will look at an HIV positive dirvocee with two kids?
I fear being lonely. Funny really coz I’m lonely even when he’s by my side.
He gave me a life line when I was desperate @ my time of need. He was there but he’s changed.
Am I holding onto a ghost?
I may be HIV positive but I know I’m worthy to be loved.
I”m worthy to be cherished. I am worthy.
I KNOW MY WORTH.
Mano
Unashamedly Positive… (Already 2012 Where did the Year go????)
Well it’s been a while, but I’m back and inspired to write my blog. It’s now February 2012 and the year has really flown by…Good and bad events that have marked this year as an anniversary of a House move and the Passing of my Uncle. And also a year of Exhibiting Art in the West End of London which has been a new experience and the meeting of new friends/contacts.
The last few months I have been stitching many, many Red Ribbons…the total at this point in time is 4026 and I will continue as the Dress Template is only near completion for the fitting and once that’s done, we can crack on with the Real Dress and then the huge job of attaching all these Ribbons.
This month, as I said earlier, is my first year in my new flat; it’s also sadly the Anniversary of my Uncle’s death, my Father’s brother. My Father had been estranged to myself and my sisters many years ago and when he died, his funeral brought me and his brothers family back together after a period of 12 years. My son was only 6 at the time and had obviously never met his Grandfather, but my Uncle and Auntie became as close as Grandparents could to him and we visited regularly and kept in touch with many phone calls and photos.
My Uncle became seriously ill when I was first told of my new home. While visiting the flat for the first time I will always remember my delight at the visit of a Red Robin (Bird) perched on the fence that was around my garden. I was so happy as had never had any bird life in my last garden maybe due to all the cats and also the close proximity of the railway? I wanted to share this news with my Uncle as he loved wildlife and fed all the birds, squirrels, badgers..anything really that happened to wander into his garden.
My Auntie kept updating me about my Uncle’s condition while he was admitted to hospital. Some days he seemed to be perking up and getting better..There was real hope? I told my Auntie about the Robin and how my first reaction to seeing it was to inform my Uncle as I knew he would appreciate the news. At this point he was in and out of consciousness but she did tell him and she said he smiled.
I was back and forth to my flat decorating. The Robin appeared again but shortly after this appearance I had a message on my Mobile from my Auntie saying that he’d taken a real turn for the worse and a further message asking if she could ring me? I knew in my heart then, that he was gone. Even now as I write this and recall it the tears roll down my face but I did feel a sense of comfort in seeing this Robin and his mate appearing again and again. It was almost like a message from my Uncle and I could imagine him smiling. I put a birdfeeder and birdbath etc in the garden and have had many other birds visiting and to my amazement I have a pair of Woodpeckers that visit every so often as they love the peanut feeder.
I love to watch the birds from my window while I’m usually on the computer or busy making things or stitching Ribbons. There is a real sense of community when they all collect around the feeder and their different tastes in seeds/nuts etc? The Robin and his mate are probably my favourites as they are so fearless, while digging over the soil in the garden one was swooping down to get at the fresh soil for the worms etc. They have a real tenacious character.
I started making a piece of Art based on a Birdfeeder, It was about representing a community all coming together for one common need…
I once again made many of my HIV tablets as they were to cover the feeder like the nuts and seeds appear to do? A long, long process from pouring the plaster into the empty tablet blister packets, waiting for them to be dry enough to be released without breaking, leaving them to dry long enough until they could be sanded down ready for painting their recognizable colour and fully dry for each of them for me to be able to write in incredibly small writing the make of the table on each individual one. It’s an incredibly long process and I always ask myself ‘Why did I ever start this?’ but once the piece of work comes together I am always happy that I persevered with it.
I did originally try to make the birds myself and made a pretty successful Blue Tit but it was disastrous when it came to the making of the Robin…I don’t know why? Maybe the pressure as this was the favourable bird…but this bird got bigger and bigger and scarier and scarier that it really had to be put away in a drawer.
I managed to find some small identical Robins (Christmas Decorations) which also colour wise really went well with the medication on the birdfeeder. I attached these and drew small Red Ribbons on each of them.
This piece represents the HIV Community coming together at the clinic either for their regular routine check up or for their medication at the Pharmacy…This piece is titled ‘Pharmacy’.
It also represents how brave many of this community, like the Robin with his/her curious tenacious nature tackles their everyday lives. I see these qualities in many HIV Positive people I meet and we need to continue to stand tall and proud of whom we are if we are to beat this battle against the virus and stigma and discrimination.
This piece is also a memory to another ‘Outspoken and tenacious’ Robin who sadly died back in 2004.
For all the tenacious Robins out there……
Life is Art
Art is Life
Senator Stacey Campfield (Tennessee)
I recently read the below article describing Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield comments regarding HIV.
http://www.thebody.com/content/65600/tennessee-senator-its-virtually-impossible-for-het.html?ic=7001
I was so disturbed by his comments that I chose to write the following email:
Dear Senator:
While I am not a constituent of your state, I felt compelled to email you upon reading your comments which were posted on www.thebody.com.
It is people like yourself that help spread the ignorance and intolerance of HIV. I, like yourself, believed much of what you said in relation to risk. However, I have since learned otherwise of my ill-conceived notions.
I am a heterosexual woman, have not been promiscuous and have never participated in IV drug use. I was raised in a middle-class, Republican home with strong Christian beliefs. I left my small hometown and ventured onto college, earning three college degrees. I began a career (in state government, might I add), married and became pregnant. During routine blood work related to my pregnancy, I was found to be HIV positive.
I was shocked to learn of my diagnosis, I had the classic American upbringing. I was a “good girl.” Yet…it still happened to me. It is people like yourself that continue to breed ignorance of risk.. All people, regardless of sexuality, are at risk for HIV by participating in sex. I only wish that I had learned sooner rather than later.
I hope that as a public figure, that of which people respect and admire, you can find the words to apologize for your comments.
Disclosure
I have not disclosed to many people. I’ve told my parents, sister, grandparents, my best friend and of course my co-workers who were around my desk when I received my diagnosis. Writing this blog has allowed me to work through some of my issues and become more accepting and understanding of my status. As a result of this, I believe I am to the point of wanting to share my story.
An opportunity presented itself at Bible study not long ago. However, I couldn’t bring myself to share. But I recently had another opportunity. My office hired a new employee. I’ve gotten along with her very well and have had some great conversations, getting to know her more and more. Then one afternoon when we were by ourselves in the office, an opportunity came up in our conversation for me to disclose my status as HIV+.
As I was telling her, I could feel the blood rushing through me…I felt hot. I knew I must have been blushing. I was embarrassed…I felt so vulnerable. She looked at me and said her Uncle had died of AIDS. She went on to tell me that she was the primary caregiver to him toward the end of his life and one of the only people who would hug him. She then came around my desk and HUGGED me. I felt accepted and calm. And to be perfectly honest, relieved that she had not ran out of the room!
What great relief it was to disclose to someone so caring and understanding! I know all of my disclosures will not go this well, but it was simply heartwarming to know that people do understand and not everyone is afraid of you.
UNDEFEATED
One year ago I thought that HIV had defeated me … I desperately wanted a baby of my own and decided to go ahead with insemination by an anonymous donor. It was my second attempt with the IUI…and instead of a positive pregnancy I was hit with a positive HIV result. Even before I realized what consequences this would have on my life , the first shattering thought I had was that my dream of becoming a mother had come to an end.
Thanks to several helpful resources and the undying encouragement of AGLM sisters…bit by bit I mustered the courage to dream again.
The last one year I have attempted and succeeded in living the most healthiest phase of my life. I went in for my 3rd IUI…this time with no fear, only one mantra constantly playing in my head – ‘The worst is over and the best is yet to come’
I got pregnant last month… Today I feel..I finally defeated HIV.
I know its not over…the journey has just begun, I am nervous and scared, not for myself but my baby who already means the world to me…But my joy has completely overshadowed all the fear and I am happier than I have ever been.
Next month I will begin my medicines. Praying that everything goes well and looking forward to any advice
Last but not the least, I want to thank everyone who has offered encouragement and strength and wish each one of you the most wonderful year coming up. God bless you all!
Blessings
They say what does not kill you only makes you stronger. I thought about this phrase and realized that well since HIV has not killed me…I should start looking for strengths it has created within me. At first, I struggled a bit but once I got started, the list kept growing. I struggled because deep down I’m still bitter for having the virus, not just bitter, angry too. I know a lot of promiscuous people and somehow they have managed to stay HIV free, somehow they seem to have it all… but do they? Really? Going back to my list…
I have always known about God but never really knew him. The only time I spoke to him was when I was reciting a prayer I learned since I was three years old, the prayer I had no idea what it meant. HIV made God to be my best friend, it taught me to have meaningful conversations with him, it taught me to see myself as God sees me.
I learned to see death for what it really is, an end of a cycle and nothing to be feared. Before my diagnosis, I was terrified of death, I didn’t even want to think about it. All that changed 5 years after my diagnosis… I embraced death the same way I embrace life.
Speaking of life, HIV taught me how to live… ironic I know, the very thing that was meant to kill me taught me how to live and not just exist. The more I lived, the more I was happy and the more I was happy, the more I got healthier, the more I got healthier, the more I dreamed, the more I dreamt, the more I strived, and the more I strived, the more I achieved, and the more I achieved, the more I lived.
Most importantly I leaned how to love, to forgive, to be kind, to be patient, to be accepting. The list is so long but what I’m trying to say is dear Diva, look for the beautiful strength in you and celebrate it.
I want to thank you for you blogs, your e-mails, sms’s and crazy phone calls I have with some of you. I never feel very lonely because I have loving sisters all over the world, I’d like to mention you by names but ya’ll are too many.
Gifts
As the holidays begin to wind down, I reflect on all the gifts I have received. My gifts have not been merely material items, but also supportive family and amazing opportunities. Could I also consider HIV a gift? While certainly not a “gift” in the sense of something one desires, but rather in the sense that it has brought greater clarity and meaning to my life.
I consider the future MUCH more that I ever did prior to my diagnosis. This helps me make better choices. I think of my family first, because I now realize that I am fortunate and should not take them for granted. I think of the voice I have been given and the influence that I could have (if I allow myself).
As I reflect on my gifts, I realize that I also need to give more. I need to give more to the HIV community. For the last few years, I have been coping with shock, anger and finally acceptance. This year…I will give more.
Don’t live a life of unfulfilled dreams!!!!!!
As the world celebrated World AIDS day a few days ago, I was celebrating the accomplishment of a dream I have had for several years now. A few years ago I had an opportunity to work with young children and I loved the experience and at that point I knew that my passion was with these beautiful angels. I knew then that one day I would dedicate my life to making a difference in the lives of these young angels.
Later though with the discovery that I was HIV infected, my life turned into something else and my dream seemed to disappear with it. A few times I was given the opportunity to love these angels when I had my son, and later, when I met his friends. And I hoped that one day my dream would come back to me.
Some time in the middle of this year I made a decision that a few years ago might have been unheard of. Most of us believe outside situations shape our attitudes when, in fact, it is our view of the situations that shape our attitudes. I moved from the capital city Kampala to a smaller town. Fast forward, I didn’t know that God was directing my steps and he caused me to move and be at the right place at the right time. His favor has brought me opportunity and most of all I can be a blessing in the lives of little children because I have been able to start my own Kindergarten and Daycare. I start enrollment in a few days and the response is amazing.
In the end, I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter when you realize your dream. The most important thing for me is that when I realized it, I was given an opportunity of doing something that expresses my passion; I know I will excel and will gain satisfaction. I’ve also learned that starting something from nothing and watching it grow is deeply rewarding.
I have also realized that a genuine support system is essential in building anything. My Parents, siblings and friends have been very supportive financially and in various other ways.
I know many remember having a dream at some point in their life, but now you can’t remember what it really was? Don’t let HIV stop you from living your dream. Just allow it be a part of that dream.
Am living my dream now. Am glad I never stopped dreaming. Life is short, and you never know when it will come to an end. Do you really want to say that you lived a life of unfulfilled dreams?
Joy
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